Virat Kohli has decided to retire from Test cricket, and what a legacy he will leave.
There are the 9230 Test runs. A remarkable conversion rate of 30 centuries and 31 half-centuries from 123 Tests. He scored over 1000 Test runs three years in a row. In 68 Tests as captain, he averaged 54.80, with 20 centuries. Scarily, his ODI record is even better.
Kohli’s record stands for itself. The man himself stands even straighter with hands in pockets glaring at the opposition. Or pointing. Or shaking his fist. Often, he is described as one of the most hated men in international cricket. Aggressive, chirpy, in-your-face – qualities we love in our Aussie cricketers but despise when those insouciant tourists visit our shores.
There was definitely a feeling during the recently completed Indian tour of “this will be the last time we’ll ever see him”. So, our burning hate evolves into a grudging respect. Then respect. Then admiration. Because he came over, played exactly how he always did, displayed toughness, skill and bravado. And won.
So where does he rank in terms of the players we hated playing but admire in retirement? Well, he’s right up there in terms of a hated players/respected retirees XI. In a mark of respect, he will be the skipper in the Kohli XI which, as you’d expect, is dominated by the English.
Because we don’t care what happens on overseas tours when it’s not the Ashes, stats are for Tests played in Australia.
1. Sir Geoffrey Boycott (19 Tests, two centuries, 10 half-centuries, average 45.03)
Slow. Boring. Selfish. Defiant. Including his famous saying, “No runs before lunch”. And to make matters worse, he was Knighted for his service to cricket.
In the commentary box, he’s known for his calls of “He’s roobesh” or “That’s roobesh”. His Yorkshire bluntness can be pretty funny at times. Hard to knock a bloke with over 8000 Test runs and who would’ve rather lost his leg than lost his wicket.
2. Sunil Gavaskar (11 Tests, one century, five half-centuries, average 51.11)
Sunny by name does not mean sunny by nature. He threatened to lead his team off the field when given out LBW during a Test. Sacked repeatedly as captain. Went onto become a pretty surly commentator.
Whether you buy into averages or not, we rate him because he was the first bloke to score 10,000 runs, 30 Test centuries and average over 50 at a time when the Windies were easily the best in the world.
3. Javed Miandad (16 Tests, two centuries, seven half-centuries, average 38.07)
Absolute mortgage on this position. A renowned sledger who threatened to hit DK Lillee with his bat. Okay, we might have accepted him threatening to hit a bowler we didn’t like, but not DK Lillee. His average here was pretty ordinary, but it didn’t make him any more likeable.
In retirement, he’s acknowledged as a tremendous fighter and one of Pakistan’s finest cricketers. His contribution to Pakistani cricket and their World Cup win here in 1992 (added 139 with Imran Khan in the Final) was enormous.
4. Kevin Pietersen (15 Tests, two centuries, six half-centuries, average 45.76)
Swagger. Bravado. A dumb haircut. Held up the bowlers for no reason other that he could. English. Ridiculed his Test skipper to the opposition. But on his day a genuine match winner (or loser, depending on your perspective) who would dominate the opposition.
His recent bagging of the England team certainly raised his stocks in the eyes of many.
Kevin Pietersen. (Photo by Gareth Copley – ECB/ECB via Getty Images)
5. Virat Kohli ( c ) (18 Tests, seven centuries, four half-centuries, average 52.44)
If India gave out Knighthoods, he would most definitely be King. Genuinely seemed angry at every batsman when he was fielding. And looked completely at-ease and with so much time against our vaunted pace attacks, including Mitch Johnson. Which shows in his incredible record here with seven centuries from 18 Tests.
When he does retire, he’ll be remembered for his stylish batting where he had so much time to slice and carve and flick and glide shots to all parts. And as one of, if not the greatest ODI batsman of all time.
6. Sir Ian Botham (18 Tests, two centuries, three half-centuries, average 30.22; 69 wickets, BB 6/78, average 28.44)
There were so many all-rounders to pick form: Tony Greig, Ian Botham, Andrew Flintoff, Ben Stokes. Anyone from England, really. And I didn’t include Paul Collingwood because no-one ever says, “You know, I really disliked Paul Collingwood when he was playing. But boy I really admire what he did at Test level”. Probably because everyone still hates Collingwood.
But had to go with Sir Beefy. His blue with Chappelli. Botham’s Ashes. His incredible infuriating ability to destroy Australia in a session with bat or ball. Bloody Beefy. He seemed just to bounce in, wheel it down all over the place and walk off with another four-or-five-for. Or come in with wickets down and smash it everywhere. And more often than not it was after a massive night out.
The Standard newspaper wrote last year that Beefy is never at Lords because he’s in Australia all the time. Good. So he should be. He’s also raised over £25 million for charity.
Statistically, he’s miles behind our number eight.
7. AB de Villiers (Three Tests as keeper in Australia, one century, no half-centuries, average 55.20, nine dismissals, eight caught, one stumping)
This might belong to Jonny Bairstow one day, but he’s not retired yet. But we’ll keep the spot for him when the time comes.
AB was sickeningly talented. Sickeningly. He averaged 57.41 in the 24 Tests he kept wicket with seven centuries and seven half-centuries.
Lucky for us, he found the time to don the gloves in Australia, too. Keeping for the third consecutive Test in 2012 with the series 0 – 0, he took five catches and scored 168 (strike rate 91.84) in the third innings. South Africa won by 309. You think that was bad? Just imagine our rage at having to watch AB and Beefy set up a 500 run lead on the third day with no rain forecast. Yeah, thanks AB.
Here lies the contradiction: he’s admired because he was so sickeningly talented. He invented shots. He would blaze a glorious cover drive then fall over ramping a 150 k thunderbolt for six over fine leg. When wickets tumbled, AB looked imperious and scored comfortably. Certainly, the initials AB resonate with Australian cricket folk.
8. Ravi Shastri (Six Tests, one century, no half-centuries, average 55.86; 19 wickets, BB 4/45, average 26.32)
Started as a tall, boring spinner with a high release. Then Ravi opened where he batted with his sleeves rolled up, played a stiff-bodied cover drive and flick off the pads. Which was his entire range of shots. And he belted Warnie all over the shop on his way to a double hundred on a road. The fact he averaged four runs per innings than Gavaskar in Australia is fairly laughable, and his all-round record in Australia dwarfs Sir Beefy. As a coach, he made our blood boil with his defence of Harbajan and threats to call off the tour.
As a commentator, he’s an absolute legend. How can he be so irritating as a player/coach but so good behind a microphone? His effort describing an Indian fan devouring a soft serve is pure gold.
9. Stuart Broad (15 Tests, 47 wickets, BB 6/81, average 28.96)
Tall. Skinny with this high-kneed run up that didn’t generate much pace. Stupid-looking headband. Then a delivery with a weird arm-release angle that makes him look like he should fall over every time. And so irritating. How about that one where he smashed it to slip and refused to walk? Clobbered it and then just stood there. Aussies don’t cop non-walkers. Never have. Never will.
(Photo by Scott Barbour/Getty Images)
But crikey he played the villain well. He’d fire up the crowd. He’d dismiss Warner more often than Wagner dismissed Smudge. He’d shred us to bits in England. And he brought colour and excitement to Test cricket.
10. Neil Wagner (Three Tests, 17 wickets, BB 4/83, average 22.76)
Honestly, he was a bit above medium pace and never ever landed a delivery in his half of the pitch. Time and time again (Steve Smith five times in six innings) batsmen threw it away. When they did, Wagner would plant his feat, lean back and shake his fists like he was Wasim or Davo or someone. HOW DID THEY GET OUT TO THIS BLOKE??? Also incredibly irritating he never played an ODI. That was just annoying.
In retirement, most often described as a “lion-heart”. Did the donkey work most if not all the time. Most would struggle to think of a bowler who relied entirely on one tactic and achieved the level of success Wagner did. A feel-good story.
11. Harold Larwood (10 Tests, 51 wickets, BB 6/32, average 26.82)
Probably the easiest pick of the lot. He was the quickest bowler in the Bodyline series, and he tore into the Aussies. The series finished 4 – 1 to England, with Larwood taking 33 wickets at 19.51 with BB of 5/28.
Had it not been for his sheer pace and ability to intimidate batsmen, the 1932-33 series would be all but forgotten. Moreover, he was playing for his country and following his skipper’s orders.
After the series, he refused to sign a letter of apology for his bowling and never played another Test. Another moral victory for the MCC. Wisely, Larwood then migrated to New South Wales where he lived out his remaining years.
Honourable Mentions:
WG Grace: A cheat. If he was Australian, he’d probably be considered “a bit of a lair”.
Douglas Jardine: Highly doubtful he is considered “honourable” round these here parts.
Viv Richards: Oh, I’ll just smash your fastest bowlers everywhere and chew some gum while wearing this cap.
John Snow: Caused a huge amount of beer wastage at the SCG after he conked Terry Jenner on the noggin.
The Windies Team of the 1980s: They just kept beating us time and time and time again.
Arjuna Ranatunga: His name shouldn’t start with “Ran”.
Paul Collingwood: “You’ve got an MBE, right? For scoring seven at The Oval? You’re an embarrassment.”
England: Like the kid who goes in every event at the school athletics carnival and gets a ribbon for finishing 7th.
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