Header Ads Widget


Ads

‘Like Monty Panesar on Mastermind, England had no answers’: The Liebke Report Card, first Ashes Test

Admin November 23, 2025

An Ashes build-up that had lasted for countless generations, passed down from parent to child, in whispered bedtime tales and vague prophecies of What Might Be™, was finally here.

Like any good game of whispers, this build-up had devolved in every retelling until the final piece of pre-series banter was, inexplicably, Steve Smith and Monty Panesar squabbling over the relative infamy of Smith’s Sandpapergate vs Panesar’s appearance on Mastermind (a tour de force trivia effort in which, among a myriad of wild answers, he’d asserted that Germany’s main soccer stadium was in ‘Athens’, and identified verses from Keats as belonging to the poem ‘Oliver Twist’).

With all this lead-up, the first ball couldn’t help but be a disappointment. Mitchell Starc landed it on the pitch. It wasn’t hit for four. Nor did he take a wicket. Boooo!

He did however, as always, take a wicket in the first over, with Zak Crawley predictably nicking off.

It was the beginning of a brilliant display of bowling from Starc, constantly asking questions of the batters. And, much like Monty Panesar on Mastermind, the England batters had no answers in that opening session. Or, at least, no correct answers.

(Starc bowls)

Crawley: Oliver Twist

Here are the Liebke ratings for the first Ashes Test.

The Madness of Harry Brook

Grade: A-

The only true resistance to Starc’s onslaught was the wonderfully mad Harry Brook.

Brook is easily my favourite England batter. He is a cricketer who does not have a single functioning brain cell in his head.

And I say that as a good thing – this empty-headed genius has distilled batting into the simplest possible, no-brain-required, skill set. ‘A cricket ball will be bowled to me, and I will thump it somewhere.’

Here, he was at his absolute best – on the charge to the rampaging Starc, and dismantling Scott Boland, before falling to debutant Brendan Doggett with a bizarre aborted pull shot that brushed his glove, was given not out, then reviewed by Australia, which led to Brook walking before a single replay had been set up.

God bless you, Harry Brook. More players should walk for DRS. The mid-strength Spirit of Cricket.

With Brook gone, the rest of England’s batting folded. Starc finished with 7/58, as the visitors were dismissed for 172 in 32.5 overs.

Maybe Pat Cummins and Josh Hazlewood have been holding Starc back this entire time?

More Cricket

Cricket

Usman Khawaja’s Slight

Grade: D

But, here’s the thing. Imagine if instead of having one great fast bowler terrorising the batters, you had multiple great fast bowlers?

It is an idea that Australia had moved away from in this Test, but one that England now embraced.

Cunningly, the wily England lower order had been dismissed so quickly that Usman Khawaja – who had been off the field during Australia’s fielding innings – was not permitted to open the batting.

Boy, when he told us that Jake Weatherald wasn’t his preferred opening partner, he wasn’t mucking about, was he? Weatherald seemed to take Khawaja’s slight personally, knocked over second ball in both a literal – losing-his-feet – and metaphorical – losing-his-wicket – fashion.

As it turned out, the only Australian batter to show any kind of convincing footwork in the entire innings was Cameron Green, who reacted to being struck in the helmet by tiptoeing off-balance around his stumps rather than stumbling onto them.

He, however, was eventually dismissed by Stokes, who took 5/23 off six overs as Australia slumped to 9/123 at stumps. 

All in all, this first day of the 2025/26 Ashes was a great three days of Test cricket.

Nena

Grade: A-

But the second – and have I mentioned yet, final? – day of this Test was somehow even more all-encompassing – a completely wild series of cricket.

Australia finished on 132, a deficit of 40 on the first innings. At the time, given how brilliantly England had bowled in the final session of the first day, a 40-run differential seemed ominous.

Yes, obviously, Starc took a wicket in his first over. And, yes, obviously, Zak Crawley was out for a duck. That goes without saying. 

What probably shouldn’t go without saying was that the Venn diagram intersection of those two events was achieved by Starc leaping sideways in his follow-through, onto the rock hard pitch, to grab a bunted-back chance at full stretch, centimetres off the ground. 

More importantly, after taking the catch, Starc ensured he kept the ball from sliding along the ground. A valuable lesson learned from Lord’s in 2023. 

You know who didn’t learn valuable lessons from Lord’s in 2023? The England batters. For, much like in that particular Test, England, having worked their way into a strong position, managed to once again bollocks things up completely.

Sure, after Crawley was predictably dismissed, Ben Duckett and Ollie Pope batted sensibly. They made their way to a lunchtime score of 1/59, the overall lead ballooning to 99. 

After the break, though, the batting burst like a bunch of luftballons, all out for 164, setting up a final innings target of 205 for victory. 

Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont, indeed.

Honestly, at that point, I don’t think anybody had a single clue what was going on in this Test. Which was a shame, because it was about to become even more baffling.

Sports opinion delivered daily 

   

Travis Freakin’ Head

Grade: A

Because I haven’t even mentioned yet that Khawaja’s back was still playing up, as a result of him suddenly becoming a 70-year-old man.

He’d slow walked off the ground during the Australian fielding innings like an action movie star ignoring the explosions behind him. So into his opening spot slotted Travis Head, with explosions all in front of him.

After a few overs of relative sanity, seeing off the opening bowlers, Head and Weatherald accelerated.

Head brought up the 50-run partnership in the tenth over, slicing Brydon Carse over deep third for six. Then he apparently decided even that was too sane. So he accelerated further. 

His own 50 came up a couple of overs later, off 36 balls. Weatherald was out by that point, but it was unlikely Head even noticed, having hit Mark Wood for a six and a four off consecutive balls.

Still too sane. So he accelerated further.

The England captain brought himself on to apply some patented Ben Stokes Magic™ to the situation. Head crashed him for four fours in the over – cover drive, pull, straight drive, random thrash – as Australia reached their century in the sixteenth over.

Still too sane for Head. So he accelerated further.

Jofra Archer returned and Head pulled him for a straight six down the ground, as the run rate moved towards seven. Too sane. Accelerate further.

Gus Atkinson returned. Consecutive fours from Head to move into the 90s. Too sane. Accelerate further.

A century off 69 balls, the second-fastest in Ashes history behind Adam Gilchrist’s throat-crushing display in 2006/07. Too sane. Accelerate further.

22 runs off another Atkinson over, including four fours – two from Labuschagne who was by now entirely caught up in the spirit of the thing, cross-swatting everything – and two wides, as Atkinson toyed with the idea that the only way to stop Head from scoring was to bowl it a metre above him.

Too sane. Accelerate further.

And then, after a couple more fours, to reduce the target to just 13 more runs, Head was out. 123 runs from 83 balls. This, apparently, was sufficiently insane. 

Nightwatchie Steve Smith then came to the crease to see Australia to the total, and give the home side a 1-0 lead. And that was, more or less, that. 

Very normal Test.


>Cricket News
Tags:

Post a Comment

0 Comments

Featured Video